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Gay Shirt

“Everytime I wear this shirt – I feel as if the whole world is staring at me.”

May love ba na nabubuo sa pagtetext lang? Huh?! When I first heard about it I was so hesitant at all. I thought, What stupidity is that? Loving a person by just exchanging text?!

wohhhh! OK. I think I’m just being so over acting about this matter. But seriously if you gonna fall in love it must be with someone you personally know, or who is always there beside you all along. But falling in love with merely exchanging messages with someone you don’t even know is just plain stupidity.

BUT, yung ang akala ko. Talaga nga naman. Kapag nga naman ikaw na ang naka experience ng bagay na pilit mong hindi pinaniniwalaan eh mas doble pa ang epekto nito sayo.
Bakit?? because, I totally screwed it all up. Akala ko hindi nangyayari sa totoong buhay ang mga topic na ganon. But not until somebody have crossed my path.

Ok. May looks siya. May sense kausap. Parati pang nagrereply. Sa lahat ng mga taong nakaka text ko iba ang nararamdaman ko sa kanya. Everyday, na magka text kami. I learn something new about this person. At isa na doon yung feeling na in love na pala ako sa kanya. Ironically speaking, na fall ako sa taong katextmate ko. Hindi ko na napaglaban ang paniniwala ko sa usaping iyan pagkatapos ng mga bagay na naramdaman ko sa kanya. Everything felt so different now that I have actually into this kind of emotions.
The more we talk the further I fall deep. And now I have realized one thing. Hindi pa kame nagkikita ng personal. Yung unang claim ko na hindi pwedeng ma in love ang isang tao sa taong hindi pa nya nakakasama ay hindi basehan ng pag-ibig. Now I’ve learned that everything we consider right is just plain guideline for a much complicated situation. At malinaw na saken na mali ang paniniwalang yun. At alam ko sa sarili ko na totoo ang nararamdaman ko.

Nagtanong ako sa isa sa mga kinokonsidera kong bestfriends.

Me : Matanong kita, posibe bang ma fall ka sa isang ka textmate mo?

BFF : SIYEMPRE IMPOSIBLE YUN

Me : hahahaha OK! Pero you’re WRONG!

BFF : I’m Right. Love kasi ang usapan……. the word itself… kaya imposible talaga…. siguro ibang feelings yan.. but not love.

Hmm. OK. I respect his opinion. But I’ve already proved it once na mali ang inakala kong imposibleng mangyari.

Then, everything went so fast. Parati kaming nag-aaway. Tinatanong ko xa kung ano ba ang problema, bakit siya nagkaka ganon? Sinabi niya na. Nagagalit siya kasi kung ano ano ang nakikita niya sa Facebook account ko. Mga taong sweet sa comment. Kaibigan ko daw ba yun oh baka ano na. Naging makulit ako sa kakatanong. “bakit kailangan mong magalit sa kanila hindi ka naman nila inaano?” Natagalan siya bago mag reply “Nagagalit ako sa kanila kasi nagseselos Ako”. I know. Imbes na magalit ako. Natuwa ako sa narinig ko. “Nagseselos siya, isa lang ang makikita kong dahilan kung bakit siya nagseselos ng ganon sa mga taong yun, hindi kaya may pagtingin din siya saken?”

Araw-araw parati akong masaya. Parati akong naka smile. Malaki talaga ang naitulong niya saken. Mas naging light ang feelings ko. Paminsan minsan nag-aaway parin kame, sa mga bagay na walang katuturan. Pero kahit araw-araw kameng nag-aaway. Mas lalo ko siyang minahal.

Then one day bigla nalang nagbago ang lahat. I was browsing my Facwbook account, tapos nakita ko yung relationship status nya is single. “What the hell? Kailan pa siya naging single? wala kameng formal break up oh kahit nagparamdam man lang siya na gusto niyang makipag break? tapos eto ngayon?”
Tinext ko siya, hoping for an honest and truthful answer pero nabigo ako. Sabi niya we better off by friends nalang daw. I cried all day since then. Di ko alam ang gagawin. “we better off by friends?” ngayon pa na alam kong gusto mo din ako? Pero dahil mahal na mahal ko siya at ayokong isiping mawala siya sa buhay ko, nagpaka-tanga ako. Hinayaan ko siyang mahalin yung kaibigan niyang mas nauna niyang i-text kesa sakin.

Gulong gulo ako. Nasasaktan ako kapag nalalaman ko kung anong mga plano nila. Pero duwag akong kalimutan siya. Tiniis ko nalang ang sakit na nararamdaman ko, ma feel ko lang na parati siyang nasa tabi ko. Kahit alam kong ka-tangahan na ang lahat, mas gugustuhin ko nalang ‘to para sayo.

Hanggang ngayon magka-text paring kame. Hindi parin kame nagkikita. Pero despite all of those circumstances hindi parin nagbabago ang nararamdaman ko para sa kanya. Now I’m totally convinced that this is not just any other feelings. But rather, an unconditional love. Love that is not selfish. Meron akong napagsabihan ng story na to. He said to me that “nagmahal ka lang ng totoo. At I’m so proud of you, ipinamalas mo yung isang klase ng love na hindi ganid at hindi humihingi ng kapalit. Ang masasabi ko sa kanya isa siyang walang kwentang tao. Pinagpalit ka niya sa iba ngunit hindi niya nakikita kung gaano siya ka swerte kung ikaw ang pipiliin niya” Kahit papaano natanggap ko na din ang lahat. Nagmahal ako ng isang tao sa text. Sumasaya sa piling niya dahil sa text. At nabigo dahil sa text.

Dahil doon naging mas malinaw na sa aking ang lahat. Mahirap na masarap ma in-love sa text, nakakatawa mang isipin pero totoo. Hindi gumana ang standars ko sa pagkakataoong ito. Mas minahal ko kung ano ang pagkatao niya at kung ano ang maganda sa kanya. Hindi ako tumingin sa pisikal na anyo kasi mas nauna kong nakilala kung ano ang magagandang ugali niya. Minsan ma-pride, hindi nagpapakita ng kalambutan sa puso. Pero dahil doon mas naintindihan ko na ang lahat. Mahirap na masarap sapagkat tunay na damdamin mo ang pagbabasihan mo ng lahat. Magiging masaya ka dahil yun talaga ang nararamdaman mo. Malulungkot dahil nasasaktan ka sapagkat yun talaga ang hinihingi ng pagkakataon. Dahil doon para akong umibig ng walang mata. Natuto lamang akong makinig kung ano ang tinitibok ng anking puso. Natutong nakiramdam kung anong dapat gawin. Dahil dun mas naintindihan ko ang lahat.
Ngayon we remain friends. Nanghihingi siya ng pagkakataong magkita na kame ngunit hindi pa ako handa. Darating ang araw na magiging maayos na ang lahat at makakaya ko ng indahin ang nakaraan.
At kapag nagkita kame. Sana bagong simula na ulit.

Ako si Jon at hindi ko akalaing mai in-love ako sa text hanggang naramdaman ko ito.
Ikaw na in-love ka na rin ba sa text?

Minsan kapag parating maaraw ang panahon natutuyo ang lupa.

Nag-iiba ng kulay ang mga damo at namamatay ang mga bulaklak.

Nawawalan ng kulay ang mundo.

Kapag bumabagyo gumugulo ang mga alon sa dagat pero dahil doon lumilinis ito.

Nabubuhay ang mga damo sa parang at nadidiligan ang mga bulaklak.

Nagpapatuloy ang buhay.

Siguro minsan kailangan ding umulan.

Dahil kapag parating maaraw ang panahon natutuyo ang lupa.

Advice

Lately, I’m always realizing myself being caught up between two lovers at war. I just want to make this clear ahh, Hindi ako third party dun ah. hahaha. Oh well let’s proceed.

Kahit kasi hindi ko sadyain talagang napupunta sila sa akin para makipagusap. I don’t know may be because I’m not bias or one sided when it comes to advising someone kaya siguro parating natataon na ako ang gusto nilang kausapin.

Syempre I gave all my best para magbigay ng advice sa mga kaibigan ko. Pero I’m considering few things. Before solving any kind of problems i think you should consider these things first.

Know / Realize your mistakes.

Lets accept the fact that if there’s a problem there must me something who brought up the problem. Hindi yun kabuteng bigla nalang susulpot at maninira ng relasyon. Whether it is yourself or other entities. In that case you have to know your mistakes and assess everything. Don’t prejudge anyone unless you really know the whole story. Second is;

Try to lower your pride and talk one on one.

You know what, sometimes it is stupid to think that your relationship might end up fucked up because your pride was up to the ceiling. If you can’t swallow your pride to revive everything you have, walang kwentang tao ka. Yung tipong mas gugustuhin mo pang mawala ang isang tao dahil ayaw mo lang bumaba ang pride mo. Bakit you were scared to think na abusuhin ng taong yun ang pride mo? Kahit na alam mong hindi mo kayang mawala siya hahayaan mo lang na umalis siya at wag pigilan kasi you’re ego might get hurt and you feel you gonna be a lesser person by doing such thing? Think ok. Before doing any stupid things.

Accept things even if the situation is not in favor of you.

The situation will not always favorable to you. Learn to accept things no matter how painful it might be and solve your problems. But accepting lalo na sa love is not an easy thing to do. Maraming tao ang hindi pumipili na i-accept ang mga bagay na nakasakit sa kanila. It takes time and effort. But what you are actually avoiding is the key to free your heart from pain. Acceptance is the only way for your heart to heal. Hanapin mo ang kasagutan sa sarili mo at makakatulong ang acceptance para mawala ang sakit at bitterness.

Once na nagawa mo na ito, malalaman mo na mas marami pang magagandang bagay na naghihintay sayo. Life is so short if you let yourself dwell in the past you will not see the future and be able to move forward. Keep that in mind.

Kasi ito yung mga mas lalong nagpapalala ng situation eh yung simpleng pagmamaang maangan sa mga mistakes na nagawa nila at sa pag tatakpan nito sa pamamagitan ng isa pang lie. Eventually all the lies you stack will fall down straight on your face. At pag naging malala na ang situation gagamitan mo pa ng pride mo. I’m telling you it will not help and it will not solve any problem. All you need to do is to accept everything and leave all the pain in the past. Stand up and start walking forward and be ready for the next challenge especially sa love.

“Ohh ayan. Ganyan ang ginagawa kong pag aadvice sa mga taong nagagawi sa akin at nagkkwento ng mga buhay buhay. Those are just simple steps ok, na sariling explanation ko. Marami pa talagang situation na mas malala pa at kailangan ng matinding pangunawa. Kasi wala ka talagang maiintindihan kung hindi bukas ang isip mo at malawak ang pag-iisip. Walang mareresolbang problema kung walang pangunawa at effort.

Hays hehe eto na naman ako pa advice advice pa. Pero pag sarili ko na ang involve sa situation nawawala lahat ng yan. Bumabagal ang mga neurons ko at na-bobobo sa mga nangayayari. Pero hindi ko nakakalimutan na maging mapang unawa.

Pero ganon nga ata talaga sa pag-ibig nabobobo hays. Sa tingin mo? Tama diba?”

How Can I…

how can i forget the love we once shared?
and all of the feelings that we once cared

how can i forget the times we’ve spent together?
when i know that it will surely last forever

how can i go on living life without you?
when our memory keeps on pushing through

how can i face you once again?
if my heart cant accept the regrets and the pain

how can i let myself believe that you’re now gone?
if your sweet embrace still hunting me down

how can i overcome all my fears?
when i can no longer stop shedding tears

how can i lift myself up when I’m down?
when it is only you who could turn my life around

how can i see a better tomorrow?
when you leaving me plunged into sorrow

how can i stop the pain in my heart?
when you have already torn it apart

how can i stop myself from thinking of you?
when i already know that you have something new…

“You are slowly drifting away. I will not be in surprised if one day You’ll gonna end up forgetting my name”

Here I am again at the very edge of my sanity struggling to breathe hoping that you will light the way towards you. Praying that this would be the time you will finally realize my worth. But prolonged sadness made my heart heavy and my eyes blurred with tears as I look at you. You seemed not to bother staring at me or even take a second of a look. Instead you slowing make the distance between us grow bigger as you let the very last memory of you and me be the part of MY MELANCHOLY.

I remembered how many times you let my feelings hurt. How many times I let myself blamed for everything that has happened, or how many days the sun in our world didn’t showed up in the sky because you weren’t there by my side. But I also remember those times when I find myself smiling because of your joke. Or even touched my heart with the simplest words of love. But now all of these feelings are cold and dull. Now I’m confused. Isn’t that love have to shared both ways? Giving your love and receiving at the same time. But why am I feeling this way? Giving all my love to someone but none in return?

I almost fell in the abyss of my own wrath. I even learn to cursed you at your back. Filling my heart with so much anger and forcing my thoughts to hate you. There are times that I almost lost my faith in myself. Feeding the negativity inside of me. But I suddenly had a change of heart. There is this pure feelings inside of me that even anger cannot pollute. I have realized that the deepest part of my heart belongs to you. That even the most negative thoughts and raging wrath cannot hide. This is where the love came from. The kind of love that will never need something in return. The kind of love that will choose your happiness over mine. Love that is always there no matter what. Always present in my heart. Always thinking of your happiness, even that happiness doesn’t include mine.

Now I understand what love is. Loving is not owning. Loving someone is like letting the most beautiful butterfly out of your hands. Giving it freedom. Making it happy. Now I am ready. I’m opening my arms that was once sealed tightly. frightened to let go. I am now giving you the freedom to choose.

I know that parting was never an easy thing to do. Leaving the memories and feelings empty and cold. But i know parting is just a word supplementing the idea of temporary distance between us. But the bond is always there. Not in the form of love between two individuals but love that is always present within our hearts.

Since this is the very first time I’m doing blog here, I’ll write something that will introduce me to all of you guys. Actually I’m not very good when it comes in writing pieces or part of myself as what others familiarly called BLOGGING, but as they say there is no harm doing things you are not familiar with. So I’m gonna give it a shot. And since this would be my first time writing a blog please bear with me. hehehe ^^

Well let me just introduce myself first as “Beautifully Imperfect”. In the sense that ME being Imperfect all the time yet people sees great things that would make me Beautiful. Two contradicting words that would best describe my attitude, behavior, gestures and personality.

little imperfections.

since most of you guys aren’t know me at all let me just randomly describe myself.

My name is Jon, just an ordinary lad living in a very diverse world. I had a very ordinary way of living. In my 20 years of existence here on earth I rarely feel that my life is full excitement. I’m living in a black and white world. Not until i have found someone that would actually brought colors to my life. hindi ko na siya papangalanan kilala na niya kung sino siya. “M.I.G.S” .

hahaha too much for that.

Since I’m introducing myself to you let me share some of my interest and favorites . . . some of it lang . . . coz the space provided here is not enough to detail everything about me . . true that every individual is unique. So here are some of the random things about me.. >.

♥ i love to eat

“It is not me I am introducing if eating is not included here in my blog hahaha I really love to eat.”

♥ i love to sing

“Yeah that’s right I love to sing. Singing and Listening to good songs are two of my best skills hahaha”

♥ i love to have a good conversation with my friends

“Conversation, sensible conversation is one of my favorite pastimes. I like debating”

♥ i love to love

“You read it right, I love to Love those people around me. It’s just feel right when you love someone”

♥ i really love talking with my best friend yori

“Hihi bleeh. I just love his laugh and his voice. I just love him nyahaha!”

♥ i love to see beautiful places

“This is what I want someday, to go to beautiful places on earth”

♥ i love and appreciate beautiful pictures

“I really love how photography captures the emotion behind every picture that I have saw”

♥ i love to listen to mellow music… anything that suits my ears

“good music = good mood”

♥ i love doing random stuffs like, taking pictures of unaware people haha

“yah! haha I’m a crazy person, so whatever my “toyo” strikes, you have to prepare yourself from unwanted things”

♥ i love having time alone with myself and reflect life

“silence makes you realize things that are often neglected when you are so busy doing other things”

♥ i love sharing ideas with people that has the same interest with me

“It’s true I love sharing ideas with my friends, I just love the feeling of acceptance despite how crazy your ideas are. The idea of belongingness”

♥ i love to laugh

“There never a day goes by without me having a very good laugh hahaha”

♥ i love to cry . . . sometimes >.

“That’s right. Sometimes crying make yourself relieved from hurtful feelings caused by someone or something”

♥ i love reading books, conspiracy and fantasy books

“I have plenty of books to read, I Love reading ’cause i don’t know I just love reading books and collecting books”

♥ i love chocolates, Ferrero Rocher

“haha I had a fondest memory to share from a box of Ferrero Rocher. Because I really love this chocolate I ate a box of it when I was a child. I ate it all by myself in my room alone. After that I had a toothache T.T”

♥ i love texting

“I just love the idea of connecting to those people who mean a lot to you. I would have not been with my best friend today “Yori” if not with texting hehe.”

♥ i love facebook

“hehe obviously haha”

♥ i love my friends

“no words for that. I love them. All of them”

♥ i love my loved ones

“No words can express”

♥ i love sharing my feelings with others

“haha I think this explains why I have so many friends in facebook and Freindster. Its because I love sharing ideas and expressing my feelings there”

♥ i love photography

“Because I love to capture and immortalize those moments and collect them. For the preservation of good memories and fondest time together”

♥ i love excitement

“I love excitement because my life is so dull”

♥ i love love love love love

“Love love love love”

Those are just some of myself that I personally want to share with all of you. I may be living in a world and in a life that is not as perfect as somebody who posses fortune, wealth and fame rather I only have an ordinary life neither am I having a perfect personality but those little imperfections makes life PERFECT for me.

Thanks for reading my very first blog here. >_

Salamat po sa pagbabasa, comments and violent reactions are very much appreciated hehehehe

Till next time po mwah!

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